Hallelujah

That's me at the left, attempting a roundhouse kick.

Ten years hence and I get this gut-wrenching sensation at the very core of my soul. Funny, I don’t remember having it as a child. Perhaps the inability of hapless devotion and feeling fear was the greatest privilege of childhood.

In the movie Legendary, there was a moment when everything went full circle. When Cal, backed up by his brother Mike, their mother, and (maybe even) deceased father, had the feeling that he was going to win the match. It was a good, close fight. Only, the cliche was tossed out of the window, and surprisingly, Cal lost. It was a dismay: a smart boy who initially fails to gain momentum in the field of wrestling seeks the help of his estranged older brother, then comes out victorious time and again – only to lose at what was supposed to be “the night”. Imagine that. I watched the final airing of this movie yesterday. I realized just how similar I am with Cal. We’re both good students who wanted to try out a sport that people tell us we’re not fit for. The only difference is that Cal continued when I’m still not very certain.

I was encouraged to try Taekwondo when I was six years old. The name of the sport was so foreign to me, yet I wanted it. Perhaps it was the thought of punching and kicking. But mainly, I think it was because of the uniform. That uniform just about gave me a feeling of authority; a sense of belonging. I remember, before I even started, coming out of my room to greet my Tito, who is a Taekwondo instructor. And I would wear a bathrobe and the bottom half of my pajamas over my clothes as thought that was my uniform. Even as a white belt holder, the uniform became my pride. In it, my kicks were defiant. But for a good, long while, I stopped. I stopped when I shouldn’t have. I stopped when I could still do it. I stopped and I didn’t know why.

And here I am again, paying for the classes with my own money, wearing the uniform again, using the gears that the white belt holder never got to use, getting coached by different instructors, getting acquainted with new faces. So much bigger; but in the field, not much wiser.

Before we went inside the Sports Complex of Ateneo de Manila University – and that’s a beautiful university which I plan to be part of next year – I told myself that I will dedicate this first, real match to two people: the first, in the person of my mother who bought all my gears for me yet could not be present; and the second, to Edge who I love dearly. The goal was to kick the opponent’s head. And that’s what I did. I kicked and I kicked until I became aware of what I was doing, which tired me out. I went against a high yellow belt holder with the same name as me, who never once did smile at me. The battle was over, and I was screaming at the top of my lungs, a voice that I have never summoned before. I could say it was a good fight. No scores were made. No formal handshakes. Just like that, I was promoted. I now have a high yellow belt in Taekwondo!

“Then it shall be in that day, that I will call My servant Eliakim, the son of Hilkiah; I will clothe him with your robe and strengthen him with your belt; I will commit your responsibilty into his hand. He shall be a father to the inhabitants of Jerusalem and to the house of Judah. The key of the house of David will lay on his shoulder; so he shall open, and no one shall shut; and he shall shut, and no one shall open. I will fasten him as a peg in a secure place, and he will become a glorious throne to his father’s house.”

– Isaia 22:20-23

Information in 2 Minutes

Ikr? I never knew that I would actually enjoy pampering myself or care about how I look. I guess it’s part of growing up.

I think that that statement above is the most real thing I’ve blurted out these past two days. That was a reply to Lucelle on Twitter who gushed about me buying my first pair of heels yesterday – a size 5 RJ052 beige Mendrez pair. It made me smile that I thought of writing that, and that I had it out there. I’ve been meaning to get that sentiment out of my chest.

There is a sterotype in being beautiful. Wear a pair of shorts, wear your hair loose, whiffed perfume, sandals, gadgets in hands, and people will judge you right off. At least in this part of the country, that’s what happens. As a child, I never cared much for faces, so I never get to judge. Even now, I still don’t get to do it because I don’t know how to. It just isn’t part of my morals. But really, in here, being beautiful has its set of codes. I can say that I am sort of okay-looking. A few people have told me so. People who know me will find it adorable if they find out that I am pampering myself already. As I said, I don’t care much for how I look, so I always just go with whatever I have. But for the people who don’t know me, they’ll judge me rather quickly. Here, if you’re in a room full of reviewees, and you’re not very good at a particular subject (say Math or Science), and they see you wearing all those things that I mentioned above, they’ll assume right off that you’re dumb. And if you engage in a sport, your teammates would want to see you perform. One mistake, you’re marked. I think that every girl wants to be regarded as beautiful – just not in a stereotypical manner. I won’t take stand for this anymore.

I was completely overwhelmed with the questions I received in our Taekwondo team’s Facebook group. Most of them were asking if I’m part of the team now, and when did I start, and all that shit. They should know that

• I started when I was six years old
• I trained in Ali Mall, Cubao
• I have a yellow belt in Taekwondo

Back then, my trainers paired me with the best kickers. I was much more confident, more agile, more enthusiastic. I was young, and I could hurt anyone with my roundhouse and out-in kicks. Now I suck and everyone else is above me. And I am bothered that I can’t keep up with any of them. Coach E might have been frustrated with me today. Or perhaps, that was only a result of his irritation with the younger boys who kept on horsing around when we were practicing palgwe. But, wtf, why are you taking it out on me?

Meanwhile, in that Facebook group, the other teammates were asking the Coaches about me – as though I won’t get to see their comments. You know, there’s a send message button on my profile. One even said, “Ito ba yun?” about me. The fuck does that mean?

The reason why I didn’t want to do it at SHAN is because I knew that a lot of people will make such a big deal about it. But I still took the risk – only to prove to myself that I am right. Friday’s going to suck ass. I don’t want to continue anymore. I feel like a freak show act. Besides, Corey isn’t going to be there. And I suck at the game, I know that. I don’t have the skills. I’m not as good in sports as I am with a pen. But I still try… So get off my back!

On an unrelated note, I felt bad for not participating in the game we had at the review today. I just really don’t like the student assistant. I also feel that those from Aurora don’t like me that much. I hope this is over already. Keyboard will begin next week.

Dota Tayo!

I spent the last thrity-five minutes of my life singing all the songs in Fall Out Boy’s Folie a Deux album. I then remembered summer of ’09. That was a great summer despite not having anything to do. No internet. No good shows on the TV, but Wowowee and Game KNB?, which weren’t even considered good at all. That summer, I learned how to play Fur Elise on the keyboard, and I finished A Tale of Two Cities. Fall Out Boy became my life that summer. I had them on my CD player – album after album. They secured me. They made me happy. Fast-forward, and here I am lying on my stomach, this bed cluttered with notebooks and calculators and pieces of paper. I can barely read the two novels that I have selected for this summer for I am obliged to cram over these Math assignments.

I just want to tell you that I played Dota for the first time with Josh and his friend Abe last Tuesday. I don’t know how boys can get so addicted to the game because it bored me very much. I was glad that Josh paid for my time in the computer shop because I really believe that I wasted mine in there. It was an hour of sheer ennui. I will never play that game again. I was a Razor, in case you want to know, and I named it josh, and it kept getting killed. And Josh’s friend was so aggressive and annoying while playing. He kept on telling me, “Dapat nga kasi, ‘di mo nilalabas ‘yung second skill ni Razor”. At one point, “Umalis ka diyan!”. He kept on killing my character. >___> Bitch. So much for that. At least, I have the right to say that it’s a boring game, and those who play it must be really boring, and can’t get girls for shit. Fuch yeah!

Thank You, Adam Copeland

On this day, I proudly wore my Edge T-shirt to ALSH, partly because I had hoped to strike a conversation with Jimmy, who as I discovered on his Facebook profile, is also a fanatic of the WWE. But partly, I also wore it because of its design. I thought it looked wonderful with my yellow skinny jeans. Yellow for Edge’s hair of course. It’s not an authentic Edge shirt, but it’s still something.

Then I went home, turned on the TV for Monday Night RAW. At around 9:15 in the evening, Edge came out. Then, he announced that he was going to retire.

😦

And what bothered me more is that this happened four days ago, yet I only got to know it now due a damaged computer and the delay in airing here in my country. And, I never really got to see Edge live in any of the shows they displayed here, and that I may never at all. It was unexpected, and too sudden, and dang, I never saw it coming. That’s what hurt the most. And how ironic, that it was also the day that I decided to wear this T-shirt that I found out? Ah, it’s just a sad story that I want to share.

But, Edge, you didn’t let anyone down. If it’s for the good of you to leave, then so be it. I really cried when you were on the ramp, and your music hit, and you did your signature pose. My adoration for you is no such secret. I hope you get to be better and that you are happy whatever may be the outcome of this incident. Truly, you are the person who inspires me the most. Thank you, Edge. Thank you for being the Ultimate Opportunist. Thank you for the entertainment. Thank you, simply. Imagine that! You are going to retire as World Champion. As JR puts it, “No cliché, you will surely be missed”.

Pahinga ka lang.

You have to bear with me just a little bit. I’m probably ramble and not make much sense, but please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn’t hurt. That what we do maybe some smoking mirrors and, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped up in here, laced up a pair of boots know that that’s not the case. Which brings me to what I am about to tell you.

Eight years ago, I broke my neck. It was spinal fusion surgery which means that they move your throat over, they put a plate in there and screws. It was really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So, I passed a strength test and all of those things and I made it to Wrestlemania. But the WWE showed that I need to get more tests. And thankfully I did because the MRI showed that I have to retire. I mean, trust me it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I have no choice. And, thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now.

Uh.. he he. This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be.

So you know, thank you, guys. Ha ha, well I tell you, this has been an emotional rollercoaster of a week for me. And I’m not gonna lie: I felt sorry for myself until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see, I was angry. I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body because I felt like there’s a lot of people in the company that depend on me, and I felt that I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too because I didn’t feel that I was doing this on my terms. But then he reminded me that I’ve competed my whole career on my terms.

You know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go to Maple Leaf Garden, and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom. We’ve watched Demolition. We’ve watched Hulk Hogan. We’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. Then I went to Wrestlemania 6, and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior. And I said, ‘I’m doing this one day’. And you know what? Fast-forward a bunch of years later and I’m main-eventing Wrestlemania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed about it. There’s no way when you told me when I was 11 years old that I was going to win more championships than anyone else in the history of this company. No way I would have believe it. And if you had told me that my last match would be at Wrestlemania, one of the main events, defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion, man I couldn’t dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn’t.

You know, I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I’ve been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10, 1996, Hamilton Cups Colisseum, and I was 23 years old. And I feel that I’ve grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I’ve made a lot of mistakes in front of you. I learned and I’ve become a man in front of you. I’ve gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him to a pseudo-vampire in the brood to one of the funny, goofy guys with Christian for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown into the Long Island South. I’d a live sex celebration – thankfully with Lita and not with Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I’ve earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I’ve earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me.

So I’m gonna miss all of this – all of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction, when my music hits and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys. And it’s amazing, I can’t describe it. But with that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow, and I’m gonna eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight.

But, if you ask me, if I would do all of these again, all the way back from getting hired by JR, if you ask me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it – if you ask me if i’d do it again… in a heartbeat. So, thank you. Thank you very much.

Like Nostalgia

Ah yes. It has been quite some time since I wrote on this table, in the garage, on a night like this. When I can hear the sound of clothes spinning in the washing machine and the television turned on to the news, and when the lights feel vulnerable; dim and limited. This is how I like to write.

I came to school with a hedache. That’s how it went down. With a headache – the aftermath of the college exam reviews. This is all thanks to the English teacher who claimed that nothing is wrong with this sentence:

“The erudite speaker was oblivious to the defeaning silence that the crowd couldn’t bare.”

See? Even Microsoft agrees that it is incorrect. It was my turn to identify the error in that sentence. I told her that it should be ‘bear’ instead of ‘bare’, and that ‘bare’ means naked while ‘bear’ means to uphold. The teacher, so young and vibrant, supposedly from the most-sought after University of the Philippines then said, “No. ‘Bare’ means ‘something you cannot stand’, while ‘bear’ is the animal.” WHAT IN THE WORLD-? She didn’t even bother checking her dictionary then, which she carries with her, by the way. She did check it when someone said there is a difference between ‘lie’ and ‘lay’, which she does not know as well. AND YOU’RE FROM UP? Are you serious, bro? And she actually advises us to read books? YOU read books. There’s a lot of learning for you to bear. See what I did there?

We also had a seat plan. I’m now sitting between this guy Jimmy, and this girl Queenie. We’re not in speaking terms yet, but I’ll probably try tomorrow.

Despite all those, I had the nicest day in Taekwondo so far. I made new friends. It surprised me that we were even larger in number. If there had been six of us before, there are twelve of us now. Dawn became my sparring partner. We had sparring today, and she was very good at it. She kicked me right on the jaw. I lost of course, but Coach E said it was a good fight. I should probably jog in this neighborhood tomorrow. I won’t care for shit if anyone sees me and I look rather odd.

I talked to Corey. He actually studied in America! This ought to be interesting.

All About Bitches

Our classroom is always very inviting - only on the outside.

Really was taken at the ladies' room. This is our group for the review.

It’s called “All About Bitches” because today, every person I encountered had been a bitch one way or another.

I should tell you first that my college entrance review began today. Bet and I arrived at Alsh at 7:30 in the morning just as planned. What a shock though that the room was already swarmed with a lot of people – twenty kids or more. Viva came in latest, and she didn’t get to have a seat. None of those boys even bothered giving her a seat. They were all very noisy too. It was good riddance that most of them were moved to another room, due to our overwhelming increase in number, before we proceeded with the day. Unfortunately, some of them will be coming back tomorrow. The lecturers just have to manage everything else first.

The first bitch I encountered was this girl sitting right behind me when I first sat down. Take note that the class hasn’t started yet, and no lecturers were around. Lucy had been texting me, so I pulled out my phone. And this bitch, started to read the sign on the wall, out loud, as a tacit insult to me, “Turn off your phones”. Bitch. I just got there too! Were you somehow intimidated that you’re and your massive group aren’t the only students in this class, and decided that it would be fun to do a little provocation of your own? When she said that, her friends started to whisper something to her, and the bitch adds, “Binabasa ko lang naman ‘yung nakasulat eh,”, referring to the sign mentioned above. I can read it very well, thank you very much. I will be shutting my phone off once classes begin – don’t get to excited about it. I’m glad that I got to transfer seats a little later.

I liked the review nonetheless. It was great. We had another pair of twins. They were very tall, and very quiet. One was a boy, and the other was a girl. We got to sit near them, but we did not have any contact with them whatsoever.

The lecturer for Math is rather witty, and I like him. But the lecturer in English bored me. I receieved a raw score of 38 on her subject’s simulation drill. While I got a 30/80 on the IQ test. Could have been worse. A lot of us did worse. I should say that it all ended rather well. We’re going to have a seat plan tomorrow. I hope I won’t get to sit next to any of the girls.

Agreement to Times: Sunday Training

When the summer began, I vowed to take Taekwondo seriously, even to go as far as prolonging until the school-year. I seriously considered that last sentiment until today. I tell myself and everyone around me that Taekwondo has been going well – great, even. It isn’t. Lots of times, I felt like crying today, not because of the pain frequent in sports, but because of the sense of isolation and homesickness.

I went to that school for Sunday practices with some fifteen other Taekwondo athletes from our team. Manny is just dumb. He told me to go to school as early as quarter to seven, but his service came at a quarter to eight. I had to remain in my father’s car, hidden in view, until he came. I felt like an antisocial freak while Asher waited in front of the school. My appearance also came as a surprise to the others in the van.

Anyway, we arrived at that far-ass school. We had drills, and my legs hurt like crazy. We had a light sparring, which very much tired me out. I thought it was going okay, but then Coach E told me that I had bought the wrong armor. While I had the one-sided Star brand, I was told to replace it with a reversible one. Of course, he told me this in private. But I still felt like crying when he did because I remembered being in actual tears yesterday when my parents couldn’t find a cheaper armor. We got to buy this one for P850. Then, I just got so angry at him because he didn’t inform me what kind I should buy in the first place. I’m not going to amend my armor. Fuck them all. I also feel that my armguards, dug out from a box from years ago, are too small.

Anyway, at the end of the session, Coach E welcomed me in front of the class. Apparently, I was the only new kid. I was also invited to attend every Saturday at 6 AM, but I won’t go because that would be a hassle, considering that I would be starting review tomorrow. I should probably practice my kicks more. Better build stamina. I have a huge bump on my right shin. I wonder who kicked that.

On a related now, I hate how my neighbor – whose son is enrolled in Taekwondo as well – tries to act as if he were my father. Like earlier, while I was having a conversation with Dawn during practice, he called to me and said, “Katrina, ayusin mo ‘yang armor mo”, and then, “Bitin ‘yang tubig na dala mo”. Here are others:

“Mag-block-block ka nalang. Baka maano ka… malalakas sumipa ‘yang mga ‘yan. Matataas pa.” Well, I know I suck now. But wait until I get used to this shit. Your son’s not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, either. I HAVE sparred before, mind you. I even sparred with Americans and Koreans before! Just you wait.

“’Wag ka nalang mag-spar sa Saturday. Pagod ka na no’n.” IT’S MY CHOICE, YOU MORON. I wasn’t planning on it, besides.

“Pahihiramin kita ng pera kung wala ka.” Here, he was actually talking about the entrance fee to the school. Well, I have some, thank you very much. I am not a Taekwondo n00b. I’ve done this before! I am just adjusting. What annoyed me even more is that he also rode on Manny’s van on the way home. And when I dismounted at SHAN, he said, “Dito ka na bababa?” Ugh. Stop trying to be my guardian. I am going to stay away from you as far as possible next session.

Over all, Taekwondo sucked today. It hasn’t even been a week yet, but I am already planning on leaving. I don’t like this life.

Taekwondo

Utterly nervous and thrilled at the same time before classes began.

Okay. I did it. I got there. It was… not really how I had projected it to be. The last time I practiced Taekwondo was when I was six or seven years old, the summer before I entered Grade 1. I got promoted from white belt to yellow belt holder, and then I stopped a long while after that. But I’m back doing it again. Not anymore at Ali Mall, but at my school. There weren’t many students. In fact, there were only six of us in attendance. No Dorothy, or Meredith; Miguel or EJ or Sierra, E-Jo, Melca. I am not at all certain if I should get to see those people again. I did meet the new trainers, Coaches E and R. I was the only female who joined. And aside from this other fifteen-year-old guy named Corey, I was the only adolescent who attended. The rest were kids.

I still am left inquisitive as to why I was the only one in my batch to be present at today’s session. I had thought that there would many of them there already, since a few of them had been convincing me to join. I’ve been taught taekguek for the promotion. I have to practice lest I be told to give five push-ups for every mistake again.

Coach E encouraged me to join the team’s trainings every Sunday. It will be in a different school, and my batchmates are going to be there. I shall obtain my uniform this Friday. For the meantime, I have to buy armor, a headgear, shinguards, armguards, and all the other stuffs required in Taekwondo. My mother allowed me to come. I’ve been told to be at our meeting place as early as eight in the morning, and to have a lot of stamina as well. I will be riding Manny’s car. Sucks though that I have to pay P150 for every time we enter the building.

That’s all for today. I feel that the uniform will go to waste if I don’t prolong this at the schoolyear. At least the yellow belt is included on the P1,500 payment for the uniform. The gears are costly. I realized that I would have spent almost P10,000 if I buy them. I can’t believe I’m finally doing this. Maybe I should continue in the schoolyear. I need to practice, go to the mall, and stop worrying about the expenses. I get an allowance for every time I go to Taekwondo classes anyway.

Nineteen to the Dozen

Another summer, and here we are again. Well, here I am again, languidly typing away on a laptop that, due to its service for everyone else in this house, I am apt to use only once a week. Normally, I would be covetous of this laptop, of the thought that it has so much use even in the summer, and I would be bound to whine about my pains of not having anything to do but write in front of a computer. But I haven’t done that at all. I will be hectic this summer. Or rather, with Taekwondo and keyboard lessons, college reviews, and self-training for the sexy French language, this summer shall be hectic for me. Yes, I am finally committing myself to the very things that I had not done the year before. And I must say that I even have partial capital for all of them. I don’t know if I have grown as a writer. Perhaps, I don’t even want to find out. I am still on a mission to excavate hidden emotions from deep within my chest. Interpret that whichever way.

Last December, I made it a point to run commentaries on Raising Hope. But because it started on Jack last February, school activities got on the way. My thoughts about the outside world gravely hindered. No such help from the sluggish Internet and its fancy video sites, or from TV networks with late airing times. But Spartacus Blood and Sands, as The Pacific, will be airing on HBO Asia this April. It’s something that I am very much excited about.

Hey, this QuickPress button comes rather handy!

A Decision

This form is all filled out, sealed with a kiss.

It’s only 9, yet I already feel sleep creeping in. I hardly slept last night. It was almost three in the morning when I finally did. Every time I would close my eyes, I’d rapidly get keyed up for something unknown to me. Perhaps it is the fact that today is Randy Orton’s birthday. This always gets me hyped. But perhaps, it was also because, last night, I decided that I would ask my mother today about registering on both April and May for Taekwondo. And it scared me shitless wondering what she’d say to that. So today, I really did.

“Ma, pangit ba kapag mag-enroll ako sa Taekwondo sa May at April?”
“Pagod ka na nun. Pagod ka na, ‘di ba? Gusto mo ba?”
“Okay lang… oo, gusto ko.”
“Kaya mo ba?”
“Ya. Every Tuesday at Friday lang naman ‘yung schedule eh.”
“Eh ‘di sige, kung kaya mo. Bukas ka na mag-enroll.”

That initialized my great day. I still fret about the expenses. I don’t even have the sufficient money to pay for the uniform. I just don’t want to spend anymore. But aside from availing a P500 markdown for April and May, I’ll also get my blue belt at the conclusion of the summer. So, I really want this. And now that I have the consent to do so, I will be more serious in the next school-year. I will be very serious. Thanks, Ma!