Tag Archives: college

I’d Like to Think

Standard

The song that pervaded my existence when I awoke this morning opened with, “On the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be a man. Now I’ve reached that age, I’ve tried to do all those things the best I can”. And while I can never relate to the rest of the lyrics, those opening words remain true this evening. I have had my “Good Times, Bad Times”, and those can never be refracted by memory. Perhaps I’ve even come close to embracing them – even the ‘bad’ part. Cheesy? I bet. Well, tomorrow, I go to college.

Prior this writing, I had all the intentions to freshen my pulsing mind; to sleep (as I didn’t get much chance to do this summer, hence the massive amount of acne that has again infiltrated my face). I am now replenished, hungrier, as though nothing can bother me – not even the fact that, this morning, I ran into someone who had caused a sour taste in my mouth.

But, of course, this also was followed by an unexpected run into another someone who I have not seen for a long time. And, well, that was a sweet thing that made me happy, for what it’s worth.

I would presume that this entry will be a short one. I wouldn’t wish to go back to those entries that I had once deemed thoughtful and beautiful. Doing that would completely obstruct this PMA-train-of-thought. Because, before, I liked talking about feelings, and emotions; repetitious words and thinking. I wish to see/read less of it. It’s like what Rocco and the McManus brothers argued about in The Boondock Saints II:

Fuck it! Do it all I say! Do you think Duke Wayne spent all of his time talking about his feelings with a fuckin’ therapist?
There’s no fucking way he did!
John Wayne died with five pounds of undigested red meat in his ass. Now that’s a man! Real men hide their feelings. Why?
Because it’s none of your fuckin’ business!

So, with all the emotive factors aside, the sole purpose of this writing was to write something beautiful, an ending to all prose and shit; a little less than a tearful goodbye. And while that is not even coming into view, I’d still like to keep all previous writing. A reminder of the fourteen-, fifteen-, and sixteen-year old versions of myself. I seem to like that. Maybe someday I’ll take a look back and reflect on who I am now, today, as of this writing, albeit I’ll never stay like this for so long. But I’d like to remember. Why else did I proceed with this blog?

I just can’t explain to you right now how anxious and excited I feel thinking about tomorrow, what it shall bring forth and mean to my life. It’s a different juju. Like, I never anticipated it this summer, yet I am thrilled to see what it’s all about anyway. I’d like to know what I’m made of, how much stronger I’ve become from those things that never killed me.

I’m pulling off the same thing that CM Punk did in the latter days of his blogging life. Because, as I said, this feeling is different. And no other words can explain it. All the sensation is in the song alone.

NIGHT TRAIN//The Bouncing Souls

Goodbye to me and you
Goodbye to the life we knew
One last long embrace
Let go and walk on through

I’m leaving everything behind for a peace that I can’t find
The ghosts that roam this house
like winter air right through our souls
And it feels like dying
It just feels like time to go

Goin down south to dream another dream
Maybe check out Memphis, Tennessee
Take the night train and an extra pair of jeans
Can’t think of anything else I really need
And all my experiences ride with me

This town is dead to me
And I can’t stop chasing my dreams
I love you more than anything
but what you want I could never be
I love you more than anything
but only alone can we both be free

Goodbye to me and you
Goodbye to the life we knew
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Let go and walk on through

Advertisements

Kat Can’t Fail

Standard

I see it around me
I see it in everything
I could be so much more than this

– Jimmy Eat World (My Sundown)

Writing. Because I have no one to talk to. I tried. But I want to a have a good conversation with someone without getting barricaded or pushed away. Like, damn it, I want to talk to someone so bad. Just one sincere conversation that would inspire me, that even if I don’t get into a good university, everything will be completely okay. Hurtful but okay. Right now, it just doesn’t feel like that. Right now, it’s so much worse, much farther. And, I have no such control.

I didn’t look at this week’s results. But I have a feeling that I already know. I just want to listen to sad songs and watch sad movies and write a sad prose and read sad quotes. I am sad. I feel out of this world. Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have minded this; I would have believed that I’d turn out to be rather successful. It’s not like that anymore, and it scares me. Hell, I don’t even have a reason to tell you why I should pass. I just want to, deserving or not. And if I don’t, then life, dreams, perseverance, faith – especially faith – would not make any sense. They would be sad and meaningless. And I would remain angry and unkind and faithless and irrelevant to this world.

Now I really wish I could talk to someone. I don’t want to be alone. It matters to me. I want to matter. I want to be proud of myself for once. I want to know how it feels to win at life. I feel that I am close, close enough that I could taste it. But, there’s a part of me that feels left out. It tells me that I wouldn’t belong anywhere. And that part scares the shit out of me because I wouldn’t know where to go from here. It’s like that Killer song, “The sky is full of dreams, but you don’t know how to fly. I don’t have a simple answer, but I know that I could answer something better”. I feel so much pain because it’s too late for me now. And, I hate how I’m just going on and on about it here because I have no one to talk to, and because I don’t want to be alone.

Most people don’t know how much I’m hurting. They don’t know me – even those who I have been with since grade school. I have changed a lot. I think we all did. And while I have recognized what they now bring to the table, they refuse to see the changes in me. It sucks not having anyone to talk to. It’s sad that no one that I know right now will understand.

Hostile

Standard

I was tired and confused, and at the end of my thinking, I hadn’t had anything but scratch sleep in weeks and couldn’t for the life of me see how I was going to go on.

Dolores Claiborne by Stephen King p. 140

I didn’t cry about it as I had figured I would. There I was, staring into the inevitable that was my life. And I couldn’t see it, couldn’t grasp the unseeable future. I didn’t stare long; a glimpse was enough for me to get the message, and every last bit reminds me of John Laurinaitis that, for a while, there was a sour taste in my mouth. I feel so confused, so angry, so damn stupid.

“Did not qualify.” It said. “We wish you luck in your endeavors.” That was my fallback. My setback. My back-up. My safety school.

Now what? What with my life. I did pray too, you know? I really did. Long, repetitious prayers. Every day, every night, every time I think about college, which is more than you can expect from a faith confused prick like me. It dawns the obvious question: is life a matter of intellect or luck? Or am I naturally stupid to not even pass a test that my older brother got frickin academic placement for?

It’s funny because just the other day, the school principal asked me if I had already gotten into a university. I told her that the results haven’t come in yet. And you know what she told me? She said, “I’m sure you’ll get in.” That stings. It really stings like hell… when you know that they’re expecting, when they’re cheering on you because they know you can do it. I honestly thought I could pull it off, but I don’t know where the hell that bravado went.

I don’t think anyone knows at this point just how I feel, looking back at that moment when she said those words, and knowing about this. Disappointment – boy, that really slaps you right in the kisser, doesn’t it?

I failed. I think it’s too early for me to understand this, too early at this time. I should have just waited. I should have just stalled. I should have let things take shape for themselves. I was too excited, and now it has backfired. Right now it’s just too bad.

Now playing: Boogie Woogie Downtown – The Bouncing Souls