Tag Archives: Jack Swagger

Muppet Sightings!

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The Muppets came to RAW this week, which, I think, was one of the best things that happened on the show. If you missed the show, here are a few Muppet sightings that cannot be missed.

  • Miss Piggy calling Jack Swagger “Frankenstein”
  • Kermit assuming Vickie Guerrero to be Jack Swagger’s “mother”
  • An “Excuse Me” with matching chest-shoving bout between the original diva, Miss Piggy and Vickie Guerrero
  • Kelly Kelly planting a smooch on Kermit while Miss Piggy grew livid
  • Sheamus saving Beaker from Christian
  • Sheamus asking Beaker to say hi to a certain Aunt Teresa because he “can’t make the family reunion this year” (we always knew it)
  • Christian still carrying Beaker’s beaker when he was already walking away from the scene
  • SHEAMUS STYLING BEAKER’S HAIR SHEAMUS-STYLE!
  • Statler and Waldorf getting exclusive seats on RAW (and Michael Cole getting repulsed by their uncanny likeness to King and JR)
  • Gonzo getting his arm pulled out by Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero’s evil laughter haunting behind)
  • Fozzie believing that he had seen a wrestler so huge that he has his own zip code
  • Animal as special timekeeper was so cute!
  • Beaker finally handing Santino the “special formula” that Dr. Bunsen Honeydew concocted, allowing Santino to win his match against Swagger
  • HORNSWOGGLE GETTING A MOVE ON MISS PIGGY
  • Cody Rhodes bagging Kermit the Frog
  • Miss Piggy checking out John Morrison’s six-pack

And so much more. Great turn of events for RAW this week. John Cena even got to take home a Scream mask after all. But, my favorite was when CM Punk locked the Anaconda Vise on Alberto del Rio after informing del Rio that he, in fact will. He’s an awesome man, that CM Punk.

Alberto, I need you to comprehend this. I know you’re a little discombobulated right now, but I need you to process what’s about to happen to you. What’s about to happen to you is I’m going to ask you a question. It’s a simple yes or no answer, but I have a feeling that you are going to say yes because prior to me asking you this question, I’m going to twist you like a pretzel into a move that I’d like to call the Anaconda Vise so are you with me? Can you hear me? And I’m not gonna let go until you say yes or si to giving me my match at Survivor Series.

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Mission: Stupidity

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Ah yes, Oklahoma City. Who better come down to the ring than Jack Swagger, the hometown hero, the person who claims to have put the state of Oklahoma on the map? This time, Jack even came out with his own personal mascot (that’s right, it’s “cool”), The Swagger Soaring Eagle!

I don’t know why superstars just can’t be nice whenever they are in their hometowns. I wonder why they can’t be as successful as Edge, who, somehow, still gets a lot of pop in Canada despite being heel. He maintains his persona, and manages to have his fans. I thought Swaggie was going to be like that, but I stood corrected. After a seemingly heartfelt speech regarding his homecoming, he then turns against his people – sort of like how CM Punk did a couple of weeks ago, when they settled in Chicago. And with that, Jack, technically, receives a lot of angry reactions, and Oklahoma receives… an Official Undisputed King (why couldn’t they have just given him a parade?)!

Okay, Oklahomans, worshi… but wait! Who is this coming down to save us all from this agonizing Jack Swagger celebration? Oh my, looks like Edge isn’t very happy with A LOT of things. His verdict?

You see, after I was involved with that ridiculousness with that computer last Monday on RAW, I told myself that I was going to go on a mission here in the WWE. Yeah, a mission of epic proportions. A mission that would rid the WWE landscape – RAW, SmackDown!, it doesn’t matter – rid it of anything that is stupid… seriously, the mascot is ridiculous… ugh, the fact that you named it the Thwagger Thoaring eagle is stupid. This posdum is stupid. That stupid cape is stupid. That stupid crown is stupid. So I tell you what, Swagger. I’m going to start my mission right now.

And down goes the bird (hapless, and with medical bills), leaving Edge happy with the results he obtained, and Jack Swagger screaming, “That’s my eagle! You just hit my eagle!” on the ramp. And no kidding, he did scream those words. D:

Sherlock Sleuthing: Why It’s Not Jack Swagger

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Meet the Swaggers and their long line of activities. Unfortunately for them, the photos didn't seem as convinving.

Aw. Who better come down to the ring and help the All-American American other than his very own father? Of course, I doubt that little Jack had anything to do with The Undertaker’s present condition (why is Kane even bringing this down on the innocent ones? D:). I mean, come on, it was Memorial Day! Jack Swagger could, should, and must have been with his family! Not only are they closely-knit and supportive of one another, but they are also very adventurous people. Again, the father actually came down to the ring to defend his son from the Big Red Monster.

Besides, there were lots of other things to be done on Memorial Day other than ambush The Undertaker. As a matter of fact, ambushing some guy is the most boring thing to do on Memorial Day! I wouldn’t do it, that’s for certain. Surely, Swaggie had a morning work-out. Surely, Swaggie won a fishing tournament. And most importantly, surely, Swaggie did three hundred push-ups that day (now I know it doesn’t sound as realistic – but let’s have a little faith on the boy).

Now suppose Jack Swagger’s evidences weren’t as believable as CM Punk’s, but Swaggie ambushing ‘Taker? Well sure, there have been some instances – he’s done it to Rey Mysterio and other smaller superstars – but come on: really? Haha, no offense, Jack. I mean, you did leave your father in the ring with Kane, and you watched him get demolished like this (that has to hurt). And like this (that too). So you taking out The Undertaker… hm, let’s see. Indubitably impossible. I do believe that you are telling the truth, no matter how unreal the photos seem. Poor Mr. Swagger Sr. though. Jack, you could have gone to his aid, you prodigal.

Sherlock Sleuthing: Who Destroyed The Undertaker?

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The grieved brother kneels before The Undertaker's empty casket and weeps in agony.

Boy, I haven’t been watching SmackDown! for quite an awfully long while. I decided I should just this past Friday – and I was in for a great episode! How shocking is it that Teddy Long would announce that The Undertaker is presently in a “vegetative state”? The more amusing part was The Undertaker’s brother, Kane coming down to the ring to assure vengeance on the person who tarnished the phenom. His words?

“In all likelihood, the most feared, dreaded, respected force in the history of the WWE, The Undertaker, my brother will no longer walk amongst us. Gone are the endless nights when The Undertaker would strike fear into the hearts of those in his presence. Gone is the face of darkness; his brilliance extinguished by an act of cowardice. Gone is the specter that was beloved and admired by millions of creatures around the world. Gone from the WWE is its most iconic figure. And gone forever are the bonds of brotherhood. My brother will rise from the dead no more. Gone is The Undertaker. But soon enough, those responsible for this atrocity will do be gone. They will be committed to the depths of hell; to a torturous existence that they cannot fathom. I will personally prosecute and persecute anyone who had anything to do with this tragedy. There will be vengeance! There will be vengeance; cold, cunning, cruel! There will be vengeance never before imagined! There will be a vengeance; swift, decisive and terrible! Yes! There will be vengeance!”

So who are the possible suspects on Kane’s list?

1. CM Punk

It’s probably just the mask. Although I cannot imagine the Straight Edge Society to be successful in such an operation, CM Punk is still on the list. He does like to recruit big names to his organization. And I suppose that after the humiliating hair cutting at Over the Limit, he’d like to rise above everyone and be champion again. But the savior didn’t seem fidgety before Kane came into the locker room and questioned him, so I’m still assuming that it is just the mask.

2. Jack Swagger

Kane only hovered over the guy and didn’t say a thing. But it’s an easy answer: Swaggie is champion; Taker is was participant for the World Heavyweight Championship match at Fatal Fourway. The Deadman is was an awfully big threat. Though I don’t reckon Jack Swagger to be the “runaway champ”. What a shame that Kane had to cut off Jack’s singing.

3. The Big Show

Let’s face it: the largest athlete in the world never really like The Undertaker all that much. I suppose he also wants to be champion like everyone else in the list. His loss at Over the Limit must have set him overboard. Well he did tell Kane, without further ado, that he has nothing to do with Taker’s present condition. He even tried to please Kane – which the Big Red Monster refrained from. Hornswoggle and Big Show playing cards – that is amusing.

4. Rey Mysterio

Ho Ho ho! What do we have here? With the huge size difference, it sounds almost impossible. But Rey did win the rumble match and gets to replace The Undertaker’s Fatal Fourway spot. So… little Rey Rey’s getting big over the championship, huh? It would be a huge heel turn if ever Mr. 619 reveals that this whole thing is his doing.

5. Kane

Of course we need to include the guy. He hasn’t been in much storyline lately, and this one can definitely make him hit the jackpot. No one is a better rival to The Undertaker but Kane, and their past contentions are no secrets. I doubt that Kane would ever care about the title (although he lasted longer than most men at the rumble match). This is a clever stunt from the WWE, if ever. Too bad they already did a somewhat similar story with The Hardy Boys. This sleuthing theme may either bring pops to SmackDown! or drive the audience away. I’m betting on the pops.

Nothing more says “genius” than a plot to take out the biggest competition.

Swagger Has Swagger

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He’s an All-American amateur wrestler wearing red, white and/or blue singlets, who won a title a year after his debut and married a member of the sex industry. This is…?

All right, pencils up! If you answered Jack Swagger… well… I guess that’s also correct. I was aiming for Kurt Angle, though. It’s hands-down de ja vu between the two superstars.

Well, indeed things do roll on quickly. Congratulations to Mr./Mrs. Jack Swagger/Hager for ringing out the wedding bells just after the All-American-American cashed in his Money-in-the-bank contract and won the World Heavyweight gold. All shall be well.

Props to redeadening of the Wrestling Forum