Tag Archives: John Cena

Why I Boycott Jack TV

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It’s summer again.

You might be wondering where I’ve been.

I graduated. From high school. That suck of an institution, in reality. Been on a Stephen King frenzy. I’ve only really read him last summer, but it seems that all I want to do now is buy all his works. I just finished Different Seasons, and I’m just starting in on Blaze. I’d probably proceed to Dolores Claiborne. I don’t know what’s up with me. Don’t know what’s up with this blog. Or with music. Or with today’s literature. Or even with wrestling.

That last one strikes such a bad chord. Two months ago, Jack TV removed WWE from their network. At first, it was just a “satellite-thing”. But then weeks piled up and everyone lost all hope. You should see their Facebook page – it is completely littered with WWE fans ranting about the loss of the program and the establishment of seemingly suckish shows that could never get Jack ratings. 

I don’t think Jack TV will bring back WWE. With Walking Dead, Criminal Minds, NCIS, Family Guy on their team, I’m rooting for FOX now. They already released a teaser for WWE. I’ve been rather hopeful. But it’s taking too long. Yesterday, out of sentimental reasons, I actually turned the pages of my December 2010 copy of the WWE Magazine to the Body Shop and worked out like Dolph Ziggler, thinking, I just want to watch wrestling on my goddamn cable, goddamnit.

Anyway, I’m keeping track of the events that I have missed since WWE was unjustly torn off my cable. Lots of props to Jack TV for this.

 

Whatever happened to Eve and Zack Ryder?

The Miz on Psych

HBK’s “return”

Santino Marella winning the United States Championship

CENA/ROCK BATTLE

PUNK/JERICHO WAR

Eve’s heel turn, of course

Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny

UNDERTAKER VS. TRIPLE H VS. HBK

WRESTLEfuckingMANIA!!121212!!@@!@!@!!!

Lord Tensai?

BROCK LESNAR’S RETURN

That’s about it. Fuck Jack TV.

 

 

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Why We Shouldn’t Rise Above Hate (Life According to Kane)

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Keep away from the big, red, hateful man.

Kane is back. He’s totally badass again (he has a mask!). And for the past weeks, Kane, for some reason, has been at John Cena’s heels. This week, not only did he divulge his motive, but he also enlightened us about life, tackling the topic of “hate”. Why is it okay? Why do we do it? OMG, so much to learn! Here’s what he had to say (you can quote him on it):

You asked them to ‘rise above hate’, but that’s a fallacy. This world is a dark dark place. It’s okay to hate. Humans are hateful by nature. Deep down, eveybody hates. Why rise above it when the natural impulse is to embrace it, to let it consume you? People hate. They hate their bosses. They hate their neighbors. They hate their spouses. They hate their miserable existence. Rise above? That’s a fraudulent myth perpetuated by you! Hate is the seed from which we are all born. It drives us. It motivates us. It fuels our impulses. And I know that you feel it, John. You feel it swimming underneath your skin like a thousand insects eating away at you. But once you embrace the hate, you become honest with yourself. You become free. Free. What you fail to realize, John, is that with your denial, you grow weaker by the moment. And until you embrace that which you deny, you can never be truly free.

Aw, Kane wasn’t so bad after all. He even offered Cena a path to enlightenment. Who knows, maybe Cena would eventually side with this new, mask, slow-speaking, never-smiling Kane. I’d like to see that happen.

RAW was great this week. It always is when they’re in a sold-out Chicago stadium. Wishful thinking: I would someday like to be part of that crowd. For the meantime, I’m leaving you with a backstage interview of the very hot Dolph Ziggler as he muses about his win against CM Punk, 2012, and Rubik’s cubes. Watch it here.

AND HERE ARE YOUR CHAMPIONS…!!!

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First thing Monday morning – I turned on the television to Jack TV’s live telecast of WWE TLC. I have to wonder why Dre would want to pass up on it. I thought the lineup was good. John Cena wasn’t on the show, which was odd because before, a lot of people – and I mean A LOT – paid good money to see him in the main events. Anyway, with that quick verity in check, I put the telly on display like I would a radio, heard the Philippines mentioned by Michael Cole, and in a span of three hours, we had our CHAMPIONS crowned.

Very likely.

1. United States Champion (Woo-nited States Champion): Zack Ryder

Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder. This match. Zack’s kewl and Dolph’s sexy. I like both guys, so I found the match rather interesting. Not to mention, the fans in Baltimore were totally hyped the entire night. I remember retweeting Zack’s “@DolphZiggler Tonight at TLC I will #fistpumpyourface” before the show began. There would have been a riot had Zack lost. So who better come out victorious but the Long Island Iced Z himself, Zack Ryder? WOO WOO WOO YOU KNOW IT BRO!!! It takes sheer hardwork and one social media revolution to make this well-deserved Crimmus miracle happen. Here’s Zack’s dad telling the whole world of how proud he is of our favorite new US champion. So are we, Papa Broski.

2. WWE Tag Team Champions: Air Boom

I did appreciate Michael Cole dictating a rundown of why Air Boom was bound to face Primo and Epico at TLC because I really have no clue how this happened. Did this all set in motion in SmackDown! (because I’m not much of a SmackDown!-guy)? I’m guessing that I just haven’t been paying much attention to the tag team division these days. We need more, please. Anyway, heard Air Boom’s great. Hooray, Kofi and Evan!

3. Divas Champion: Beth Phoenix

THAT’S RIGHT, YOU GO SISTAH! And was it just me or were Kelly Kelly fans completely dead during this match? Whatever. We all love Beth, and Beth’s fans are solid, yo. Hope she stays champion for the longest time because she’s amazing and because I wouldn’t want any of Kelly’s cohorts as champions. Eve better turn on the dark side because I like her as well, and WE JUST CAN’T HAVE HER NEXT TO KELLYasdfghjkl;

4. World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan

I really like Bryan Danielson and his massive Internet fanbase. Shame on you Michael Cole because here is your Heavyweight Champion!!!111! That’s right! And just so you know, I never paid attention to the Big Show vs. Mark Henry match until Bryan Danielson’s entrance song came up, and I found him running to the ring with his MITB briefcase. And just like that, SHOW’S OVER – even though he never really cashed in the briefcase at Wrestlemania like he said he would. But hey, plans change, it happens all the time. Hooray for Daniel Bryan and ha-ha on those who thought he could never make it as far. I smell a giant under loose for the title though.

5. Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes

What the hell. He had a match?! I’M KEPT IN THE DARK!

6. WWE Champion: CM Punk

Well la-di-da. Of course, here is your WWE Champion, CM PUNK. Best match of the night, in my opinion. I mean, he was handcuffed twice – and one of those was to a turnbuckle – and he escaped BOTH times! It was a brutal match. And Punk survived it all. And he’s STILL our WWE Champion, so ha-ha on you and your dethronement attempts, Funkman. And with this, CM Punk leads a revolution with his friends.

So what’s going to happen when you’ve got two so-called “indy schmucks” on top of the WWE food chain? Seeing the main event picture on last night’s RAW made me guffaw just a bit. On one side, we had CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Zack Ryder, and on another were Miz, Del Rio, and Dolph Ziggler. So… this is what had become of the WWE. Very nice. I have a feeling that we’re not going to see much of the Cena’s and Triple H’s and Rock’s in the season.

Kudos to independent wrestling. NYWC. ROH. GLORY. Take over.

Muppet Sightings!

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The Muppets came to RAW this week, which, I think, was one of the best things that happened on the show. If you missed the show, here are a few Muppet sightings that cannot be missed.

  • Miss Piggy calling Jack Swagger “Frankenstein”
  • Kermit assuming Vickie Guerrero to be Jack Swagger’s “mother”
  • An “Excuse Me” with matching chest-shoving bout between the original diva, Miss Piggy and Vickie Guerrero
  • Kelly Kelly planting a smooch on Kermit while Miss Piggy grew livid
  • Sheamus saving Beaker from Christian
  • Sheamus asking Beaker to say hi to a certain Aunt Teresa because he “can’t make the family reunion this year” (we always knew it)
  • Christian still carrying Beaker’s beaker when he was already walking away from the scene
  • SHEAMUS STYLING BEAKER’S HAIR SHEAMUS-STYLE!
  • Statler and Waldorf getting exclusive seats on RAW (and Michael Cole getting repulsed by their uncanny likeness to King and JR)
  • Gonzo getting his arm pulled out by Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero’s evil laughter haunting behind)
  • Fozzie believing that he had seen a wrestler so huge that he has his own zip code
  • Animal as special timekeeper was so cute!
  • Beaker finally handing Santino the “special formula” that Dr. Bunsen Honeydew concocted, allowing Santino to win his match against Swagger
  • HORNSWOGGLE GETTING A MOVE ON MISS PIGGY
  • Cody Rhodes bagging Kermit the Frog
  • Miss Piggy checking out John Morrison’s six-pack

And so much more. Great turn of events for RAW this week. John Cena even got to take home a Scream mask after all. But, my favorite was when CM Punk locked the Anaconda Vise on Alberto del Rio after informing del Rio that he, in fact will. He’s an awesome man, that CM Punk.

Alberto, I need you to comprehend this. I know you’re a little discombobulated right now, but I need you to process what’s about to happen to you. What’s about to happen to you is I’m going to ask you a question. It’s a simple yes or no answer, but I have a feeling that you are going to say yes because prior to me asking you this question, I’m going to twist you like a pretzel into a move that I’d like to call the Anaconda Vise so are you with me? Can you hear me? And I’m not gonna let go until you say yes or si to giving me my match at Survivor Series.

Fraternity=Sorority

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I’m over here – on that big screen you were gonna jump off of. It’s amazing because we just saw uh, an act of a delusional phony. You are completely gutless, tasteless, spineless, classless, and your cronies are pantless. You’re insincere, incompetent and incontinent. You’re uncool, you’re unprofessional and unengaging. You’re low-budget, low-crap, low-class, and low-rent. And on top of that, you are wasting everyone’s time. Why would you bother giving The New Nexus a physical initiation? I’ve already given them one! You see, I said I would get my hands on each and every member of The Nexus and I did – wait, that’s not true, there’s one member, a new member that I hadn’t quite got the chance to initiate. That’s you, CM Sucks. Next week, CM Sucks faces John Cena in a match. Next week on RAW, you and me in a match… you see, all those things you’ve been saying about me, they’re right. If you provoke me I am the most animalistic, brutal, violent, physical man on the planet. That means, next week, you get dealt with. As sure as I wear purple and the sun rises in the morning, you get dealt with! Because next week on RAW, it aint about T-shirts or armbands. It’s about me whooping your ass.

😮

That’s right. Words of a livid John Cena. I’ve been wondering all week long if it is time for me to put up shocking words straight from wrestlers’ mouths. Come to think of it, I haven’t done that yet. And the reason why I haven’t is simply because the show has been WWE-PG before I even began this blog. Well that right there, came from John Cena himself. Mark it: January 10, 2011 (January 13 on Jack TV) – this week, I saw a token. And I have never been happier watching Monday Night RAW.

The statement written above was addressed to CM Punk and his fraternity. And trust me, I never really saw Nexus for a fraternity until just this week. It would seem as though CM Punk is much more mocking when it comes to leading The New Nexus. He begins his administration with an impromptu initiation. It wasn’t pretty, and not everyone in Nexus accepted the deed, but for the gullible ones (I’m looking at you, McGillicutty, Harris, and Otunga), this night definitely left a mark – or marks rather.

The first initiation was of Michael McGillicutty, who the members of The New Nexus preyed on and beat in the middle of the ring. Poor Michael. But how stupid too. It was sweet of them to carry him back to the locker room though. I surmise from the way that he still managed to come out for Cena’s address, they didn’t really do him that much damage.

The second initiation is for Husky Harris, who was given three lashings by each member. This was not shown on Jack TV. Either that, or this scene was not televised at all. Whichever, had I not gone to WWE.com, I would not have seen this. Husky’s initiation, according to King, is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. And frankly, I agree. This gave me the impression of The Nexus being a boyhood fraternity. I cringed throughout, wondering if the anti-Nexuses were gleeful with this event, or just as lackadaisical towards Husky Harris.

Alas! – being the weakest and least experienced in the group, it was David Otunga who received the most unequittable initiation. He had a match with The Big Show. I find it “unfair” because none of the members of The Nexus got to hurt him like they did Harris and McGillicutty – yet, he got to hurt them! It was as though The Big Show couldn’t even care less. Otunga got through it all right – not half as bad as the first two. But it didn’t make much difference, I mean we’re talking about David Otunga.

On behalf of everybody else, I have to say that it was rather awkward having to anticipate Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater hit each other with candlesticks. Gabriel and Slater are not only the most human among all members of The Nexus, they are also the most connected. They’ve been friends for quite some time now, and we all know that neither of these guys will hurt each other (bromance and all). Besides, they shouldn’t even dislike Wade Barrett because Wade treasured these guys. Wade even made them tag champs. As I expected, the two turned to CM Punk as though ready to hit him instead, but then refrained from doing so. Like the sensible men that they are, they dropped the sticks and walked away.

The last initiation of course was for the leader himself, CM Punk. Just when we thought that he was going to commit career suicide (let alone just suicide) by jumping off the tron, he abstained, laughing his heart out. It was smart of him to do that, yet people called him a “phony” because of this. Well, he’s not half as daring as the other high-risk superstars, but he’s intelligent and stable, and that’s a good characteristic too. 🙂

At the end of the day, The New Nexus stood with four members, which is not so bad for a new management. I expect that they won’t stand too long like the Straight Edge Society. Nice T-shirts, by the way. Oh, and I hear there’s going to be an additional member soon. Yay…

Wade Barrett vs. CM Punk

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Five followers. Two leaders. One clever backstabber.

It’s not everyday that we see our favorite heels arguing in the ring. So when it comes to Wade vs. Punk, there was no better way to kick off 2011 than to listen to their godly voices as they debate about the unstable management of Nexus and who the rightful leader should be. Two smexy talkers and a backstabbing finale. Now that’s something I would watch!

After Wade Barrett’s destruction by the hands of the infamous John Cena at TLC, I was certain that Wade would never come back. I was in fact relieved with the thought of The Nexus gone (let’s face it: they were getting obsolete). But a week later, there they were again – no Wade Barrett… but the sly, the beautiful CM Punk in his place. And now that Wade has made a surprising return, the Nexus administration is left in the custody of… (well, I would assume that nobody will care. Turns out that these two truly, sincerely do).

My blubbering aside, let’s ring the bell!

  1. Why John Cena is not on RAW
  2. CM Punk claims that John Cena was in no condition of being on RAW because of what The Nexus (under Punk’s leadership) did to him last week. It did leave Cena broken – and a bunch of us surprised.

    Wade Barrett claims that the reason why John Cena couldn’t be on RAW was because of a match that they had this past week on Pennsylvania. Well, that wasn’t really televised, Wade, so I guess I give a point for Punk on this one. 🙂

  3. Who the leader of Nexus truly is
  4. CM Punk confirms that he is the new chief of Nexus since he is a “natural leader of men”. Remember the Straight Edge Society? You know you were part of that. And besides, according to Punk, Nexus needs “new management”. I know it does too.

    Wade Barrett still finds himself as the leader of Nexus simply because they have dominated and changed the face of Monday Night RAW ever since. Both have outstanding answers. A point for each, then.

  5. What they think of the opposition
  6. CM Punk knows that after having twenty-three steel chairs fall on Wade Barrett, the latter must still be confused. Punk refused to comment further on the matter unless proven worthy of the the Nexus administration later that night.

    Wade Barrett accuses Punk of being a “hypocritical, manipulative waste of skin”, “not a leader, but a liar”. Although I applaud Wade for his interesting choice of words, Punk, being the calmer debater and appropriately the more pleasing one receives the point. And just for the record,

CM PUNK IS NOT LYING ABOUT HIS LIFESTYLE. >:E

The Vedict
(courtesy of the trusty David Otunga):
They both makes good points.

My math is rusty, but, with all the points I gave, the concluding score is 3-1, in favor of CM Punk. The two eventually had a deal made – they even managed to pull out a handshake. If Wade Barrett loses in the steel cage match later that night, he is out of Nexus for eternity. Power-hungry and everything else in between, CM Punk would just never let an opportunity pass. Before Wade realizes it, Punk deceives him. Punk is crowned leader. And all’s well that ends well.

Well, Wade, so much for the new Nexus shirt that you have there. There’s always SmackDown!. Wish you the best!

Slammy’s, Tumblr and Preoccupation

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Edge and Christian make me extremely happy. Their meet at the Slammy’s was highly amusing. Edge didn’t like his award. Christian thought del Rio should have received it. This photo is too beautiful to just keep on my Tumblr account. D’oh, yes, I have a Tumblr account now. For months, I’ve been haunted with the decision of creating an account as such. Bet seems to get the hang of it. I, on the other hand, didn’t seem to know what I’d put in it once I do get an account. But soon enough, I found the light. My motive for that one is to post photos of past and current WWE heels, just for the heck of it. It’s sort of fascinating actually. I gained around twenty-five followers on the first two days that I started. I like my first days in Tumblr.

But I love this blog.

And I wrote that with a straight face. Can you imagine saying/writing the word ‘love’ with a straight face? That’s badass.

Here is the list of winners for the 2010 Slammy Awards (it’s ages late, I know):

  • Superstar of the Year: John Cena (wow, *big surprise* there, buddy – considering that it’s been a hellacious year for you. Have I mentioned that he got fired?)
  • Diva of the Year: Michelle McCool (what happened to the “Lay” part? >_>)
  • WWE Moment of the Year: The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XXVI
  • WWE “Oh Snap” Meltdown of the Year: Edge destroys the anonymous GM’s computer
  • Shocker of the Year: The Nexus debuts
  • Despicable Me Award: CM Punk sings Happy Birthday to Rey Mysterio’s daughter
  • Holy %&^*%& of the Year: John Cena’s Attitude Adjustment on Batista through the stage
  • Guest Star Shining Moment: Pee-wee Herman vs. The Miz (REALLY INFINITY, ftw!!!!!1111!!!11!!!1!)
  • Knucklehead Moment of the Year: Lay-Cool gets beat by Mae Young
  • WWE Universe Fan Reaction: “Angry Miz Girl” Cayley (lucky kid. She’s already appeared on RAW TWICE)
  • “And I Quote…” Line of the Year: Michael Cole (I’m sure)

And here are the supplementary awards that I think you should also know of:

  • Best Performance by a Winged Specimen: Monday Night Raw chicken
  • Most Menacing Haircut: Tyler Reks
  • Best Family Values: Kane destroys Jack Swagger Sr. as his son looks on
  • Superstar/Diva Most in Need of Makeup: Sheamus (hey, now Sheamus has an award!)
  • The “Cole in Your Stocking” Award: Daniel Bryan attacks Michael Cole on WWE NXT (I love that. We had a blog entry for that. c:)
  • Outstanding Achievement in Baby Oil Application: “Dashing” Cody Rhodes (not Randy Orton?! D:)
  • Frequent Tweeter Award: Goldust
  • Best WWE.com Exclusive TV Show: WWE NXT (What?! RAW was robbed!)
  • Most Annoying Catchphrase: Zack Ryder for “Woo, woo, woo, you know it.” (which is NOT really annoying)