Wrestling 101 Courtesy of Batista Part II

I can’t believe so many things can happen in just one night! After the many, many, many injuries acquired from such matches at Over the Limit, RAW kicks off with the pained Batista, who again will be our trusty adviser in this edition of Wrestling 101. Oh sauveur, we will be utterly lost without your guidance.

*All bolded words in the following proclamation were stated by RAW announcer, Justin Roberts.

Last night, Batista said two words that I never ever thought would come out of my mouth: I quit. But I said that because my life was being threatened. So because of John Cena’s malicious actions, I’m contemplating – I’m contemplating filing a lawsuit against John Cena. Also against the WWE. And also, against every fan in the WWE Universe for supporting what happened to me! That’s not the way a championship match is supposed to happen! Duct tape. Getting thrown off of cars. Yeah I can stoop on John Lena – John Cena’s low level. But I believe in something called honor. So now, because of multiple injuries, I’m out for weeks, months, maybe years! That’s, that’s not right. That’s not right. Cheer now ’cause I’ll be back healthier then ever, stronger than ever, and one way or another, John Cena is going to give me a rematch! I deserve a rematch! I’m entitled to a rematch! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN Hey! Hey! I HAVE JUST BEEN ASKED TO INTRODUCE TO YOU Why’d you interrupt me? THE NEW GENERAL MANAGER OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW What’s happening? BRET “THE HITMAN” HART!

Badass Bret manages to enter the ring and assign Batista to a match against Randy Orton that night. But because our adviser was on a wheelchair (“What’s your malfunction [Bret Hart]?”), and had been explaining about his injury, Mr. Hart easily proclaimed the match a forfeit. Winner: Randy Orton! Then like Anton Ego, he walks out without another word. Well, he did manage to make Batista do just one more thing…

This show is nothing without me! That’s right, it’s nothing without me! It will go bankrupt without me! All of you will be so bored you’ll never watch this show again! You all pay to see me! You think I won’t quit? You think I won’t do it?!

“I QUIT!“

Hilarious. Genuinely, I’ll miss The Animal though.

Other amusing things that happened on RAW:

• Bret Hart making the Edge vs. Chris Jericho vs. John Cena match (in where Edge made it clear, “I’m a better Canadian than both of you!”)
• Sexy Sheamus beating Mark Henry to be part of the WWE Championship Match at Fatal Fourway.
• Randy Orton qualifying for Fatal Fourway without even doing anything!
• Bret Hart putting his newly-won US title up for grabs.
• R-Truth becomes the new United States Champion (remember when he got pyroed in the MacGruber episode?).
• Mystery trio making an ambush on The Hart Dynasty.
• Ted DiBiase on Jon Lovitz’s WWE Superstar Search!
• Daniel Bryan stomping on Michael Cole. Again, wrong show. And that was last week!

Class dismissed.

MacGruber!!!

Now, give me proper competition.

What happens when a big volcanic cloud of ash hovers over Europe and delays all flights – including that of the RAW superstars? Well, at least SmackDown! and NXT are around. And that means… wait. Vladimir Kozlov is here?! Oh-oh, bravo! I haven’t seen him for, like, a year already. IMDB actually posted a photo of him and MacGruber trash-talking inside the ring. I was supposed to put it here but my hands got lazy. Anyway, I got really hooked watching the April 19th episode of RAW. My favorite part was when Kozlov called Jerry “The King” Lawler to read the speech he made for the New Jersey spectator. Just to make it clear, the following was read by Jerry Lawler. Every interjection is his; not Vlad’s:

“I, Vladimir Kozlov, am protesting the unfair treatment I have received by the RAW guest host. I am an elite athlete, who demands elite competition. Uh, I don’t expect any of you to understand. You are all… and these are your words, uh… you are all spoiled, ignorant Americans. You are, uh, you are physically inferior, therefore you are weak! Worst of all, you are in a state devoid of class or integrity. The single most depressing place on Earth, New Jersey. I cannot wait for my fellow Russian to buy your pathetic NBA franchise, the Nets, and move it out of this horrible state forever.”

Also, I noticed Kozlov smile at least thrice (that’s hard for him to do) – especially when King was reading his speech. MacGruber was more than happy to come out and wave the American flag right on Kozlov’s face (“Nobody rips on the state of New Jersey!”). MacGruber also insulted Vlad’s mother – a thing that led into Vladimir Kozlov uttering, “I will destroy you” under his breath, and an almost-brutal match later in that night. But that’s a different story. Here are the other great things that happened on RAW:

• MacGruber distinguishing Kane as the “friend” who wet his pants.
• Chris Jericho singing “JERICHO!!!” (MacGruber theme) at the top of his lungs.
• Triple H being the only guy from RAW to have stayed in the US.
• CM Punk and Triple H exchanging bragging rights.
• This
• Khaluber!!!
• R-Truth getting pyroed.
• Jon Bon Jovi, Paul Blart Mall Cop, Snooki AND The Situation all making it to MacGruber’s list of great, famous people from New Jersey.
• SmackDown! rosters helping out with the show.
• Randy Orton’s twenty-second “live-via-satellite” cameo.
• Wade Barrett and Skip Sheffield’s embarrassing “Rock ’em, Sock ’em” match. Whoops, wrong show.

The funny thing is that, RAW was so good that night – and all the RAW superstars weren’t even around! Here’s The Miz talking about it (too bad Bret Hart wasn’t around to declare ShoMiz the Greatest Tag-Team in WWE history). We learned two things throughout this whole setting. Number one, we desperately need other SmackDown! superstars to get drafted to RAW. Number two, Chris Jericho also stars in MacGruber.

Don’t miss the WWE Draft Lottery 2010 next week.