Tag Archives: Mark Henry

AND HERE ARE YOUR CHAMPIONS…!!!

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First thing Monday morning – I turned on the television to Jack TV’s live telecast of WWE TLC. I have to wonder why Dre would want to pass up on it. I thought the lineup was good. John Cena wasn’t on the show, which was odd because before, a lot of people – and I mean A LOT – paid good money to see him in the main events. Anyway, with that quick verity in check, I put the telly on display like I would a radio, heard the Philippines mentioned by Michael Cole, and in a span of three hours, we had our CHAMPIONS crowned.

Very likely.

1. United States Champion (Woo-nited States Champion): Zack Ryder

Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder. This match. Zack’s kewl and Dolph’s sexy. I like both guys, so I found the match rather interesting. Not to mention, the fans in Baltimore were totally hyped the entire night. I remember retweeting Zack’s “@DolphZiggler Tonight at TLC I will #fistpumpyourface” before the show began. There would have been a riot had Zack lost. So who better come out victorious but the Long Island Iced Z himself, Zack Ryder? WOO WOO WOO YOU KNOW IT BRO!!! It takes sheer hardwork and one social media revolution to make this well-deserved Crimmus miracle happen. Here’s Zack’s dad telling the whole world of how proud he is of our favorite new US champion. So are we, Papa Broski.

2. WWE Tag Team Champions: Air Boom

I did appreciate Michael Cole dictating a rundown of why Air Boom was bound to face Primo and Epico at TLC because I really have no clue how this happened. Did this all set in motion in SmackDown! (because I’m not much of a SmackDown!-guy)? I’m guessing that I just haven’t been paying much attention to the tag team division these days. We need more, please. Anyway, heard Air Boom’s great. Hooray, Kofi and Evan!

3. Divas Champion: Beth Phoenix

THAT’S RIGHT, YOU GO SISTAH! And was it just me or were Kelly Kelly fans completely dead during this match? Whatever. We all love Beth, and Beth’s fans are solid, yo. Hope she stays champion for the longest time because she’s amazing and because I wouldn’t want any of Kelly’s cohorts as champions. Eve better turn on the dark side because I like her as well, and WE JUST CAN’T HAVE HER NEXT TO KELLYasdfghjkl;

4. World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan

I really like Bryan Danielson and his massive Internet fanbase. Shame on you Michael Cole because here is your Heavyweight Champion!!!111! That’s right! And just so you know, I never paid attention to the Big Show vs. Mark Henry match until Bryan Danielson’s entrance song came up, and I found him running to the ring with his MITB briefcase. And just like that, SHOW’S OVER – even though he never really cashed in the briefcase at Wrestlemania like he said he would. But hey, plans change, it happens all the time. Hooray for Daniel Bryan and ha-ha on those who thought he could never make it as far. I smell a giant under loose for the title though.

5. Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes

What the hell. He had a match?! I’M KEPT IN THE DARK!

6. WWE Champion: CM Punk

Well la-di-da. Of course, here is your WWE Champion, CM PUNK. Best match of the night, in my opinion. I mean, he was handcuffed twice – and one of those was to a turnbuckle – and he escaped BOTH times! It was a brutal match. And Punk survived it all. And he’s STILL our WWE Champion, so ha-ha on you and your dethronement attempts, Funkman. And with this, CM Punk leads a revolution with his friends.

So what’s going to happen when you’ve got two so-called “indy schmucks” on top of the WWE food chain? Seeing the main event picture on last night’s RAW made me guffaw just a bit. On one side, we had CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Zack Ryder, and on another were Miz, Del Rio, and Dolph Ziggler. So… this is what had become of the WWE. Very nice. I have a feeling that we’re not going to see much of the Cena’s and Triple H’s and Rock’s in the season.

Kudos to independent wrestling. NYWC. ROH. GLORY. Take over.

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Season 2 Pros-Rookies List

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Ah yes, NXT. It seems like it was only last week when Season One ended… oh, wait. That was last week! Well, time does go quickly! We now have a new set of pros and rookies! And because I was too clapped-out from editing the Marrella-Kozlov dance-off photos, I won’t be posting any pictures here. But if you really want to be familiarized with these guys and all that stuff, I suggest you click on the links that I decided to put up. WWE was “kind” enough to air their Twitter pages on live TV. 😀

ProRookie
The Miz – Alex Riley
John Morrison – Eli Cottonwood
Cody Rhodes – Husky Harris
Layla and Michelle McCool – Kaval
Mark Henry – LuckyCannon
Kofi Kingston – Michael McGillicutty
MVP – Percy Watson
Zack Ryder – Titus O’ Neil

And due to the Season One rookies’ ambush on RAW this past Monday (which, I really missed – thank goodness, WWE decided to air the whole thing on NXT), this season ended with the pros taking their revenge on the newcomers. This only means that Season Two will be a Pros vs. Rookies battle rather than an actual rookies competition. Amazing, isn’t it? Well, we all know that Kaval’s pretty “okay” with this whole mess. We did see him carrying LayCool’s golds to the ring on Friday night. Very professional, Kaval! Grudges came separately when you were bought. 😀

Wrestling 101 Courtesy of Batista Part II

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I can’t believe so many things can happen in just one night! After the many, many, many injuries acquired from such matches at Over the Limit, RAW kicks off with the pained Batista, who again will be our trusty adviser in this edition of Wrestling 101. Oh sauveur, we will be utterly lost without your guidance.


*All bolded words in the following proclamation were stated by RAW announcer, Justin Roberts.

Last night, Batista said two words that I never ever thought would come out of my mouth: I quit. But I said that because my life was being threatened. So because of John Cena’s malicious actions, I’m contemplating – I’m contemplating filing a lawsuit against John Cena. Also against the WWE. And also, against every fan in the WWE Universe for supporting what happened to me! That’s not the way a championship match is supposed to happen! Duct tape. Getting thrown off of cars. Yeah I can stoop on John Lena – John Cena’s low level. But I believe in something called honor. So now, because of multiple injuries, I’m out for weeks, months, maybe years! That’s, that’s not right. That’s not right. Cheer now ’cause I’ll be back healthier then ever, stronger than ever, and one way or another, John Cena is going to give me a rematch! I deserve a rematch! I’m entitled to a rematch! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN Hey! Hey! I HAVE JUST BEEN ASKED TO INTRODUCE TO YOU Why’d you interrupt me? THE NEW GENERAL MANAGER OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW What’s happening? BRET “THE HITMAN” HART!

Badass Bret manages to enter the ring and assign Batista to a match against Randy Orton that night. But because our adviser was on a wheelchair (“What’s your malfunction [Bret Hart]?”), and had been explaining about his injury, Mr. Hart easily proclaimed the match a forfeit. Winner: Randy Orton! Then like Anton Ego, he walks out without another word. Well, he did manage to make Batista do just one more thing…

This show is nothing without me! That’s right, it’s nothing without me! It will go bankrupt without me! All of you will be so bored you’ll never watch this show again! You all pay to see me! You think I won’t quit? You think I won’t do it?!

I QUIT!

Hilarious. Genuinely, I’ll miss The Animal though.

Other amusing things that happened on RAW:

  • Bret Hart making the Edge vs. Chris Jericho vs. John Cena match (in where Edge made it clear, “I’m a better Canadian than both of you!”)
  • Sexy Sheamus beating Mark Henry to be part of the WWE Championship Match at Fatal Fourway.
  • Randy Orton qualifying for Fatal Fourway without even doing anything!
  • Bret Hart putting his newly-won US title up for grabs.
  • R-Truth becomes the new United States Champion (remember when he got pyroed in the MacGruber episode?).
  • Mystery trio making an ambush on The Hart Dynasty.
  • Ted DiBiase on Jon Lovitz’s WWE Superstar Search!
  • Daniel Bryan stomping on Michael Cole. Again, wrong show. And that was last week!

Class dismissed.