Tag Archives: Triple H

Why I Boycott Jack TV

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It’s summer again.

You might be wondering where I’ve been.

I graduated. From high school. That suck of an institution, in reality. Been on a Stephen King frenzy. I’ve only really read him last summer, but it seems that all I want to do now is buy all his works. I just finished Different Seasons, and I’m just starting in on Blaze. I’d probably proceed to Dolores Claiborne. I don’t know what’s up with me. Don’t know what’s up with this blog. Or with music. Or with today’s literature. Or even with wrestling.

That last one strikes such a bad chord. Two months ago, Jack TV removed WWE from their network. At first, it was just a “satellite-thing”. But then weeks piled up and everyone lost all hope. You should see their Facebook page – it is completely littered with WWE fans ranting about the loss of the program and the establishment of seemingly suckish shows that could never get Jack ratings. 

I don’t think Jack TV will bring back WWE. With Walking Dead, Criminal Minds, NCIS, Family Guy on their team, I’m rooting for FOX now. They already released a teaser for WWE. I’ve been rather hopeful. But it’s taking too long. Yesterday, out of sentimental reasons, I actually turned the pages of my December 2010 copy of the WWE Magazine to the Body Shop and worked out like Dolph Ziggler, thinking, I just want to watch wrestling on my goddamn cable, goddamnit.

Anyway, I’m keeping track of the events that I have missed since WWE was unjustly torn off my cable. Lots of props to Jack TV for this.

 

Whatever happened to Eve and Zack Ryder?

The Miz on Psych

HBK’s “return”

Santino Marella winning the United States Championship

CENA/ROCK BATTLE

PUNK/JERICHO WAR

Eve’s heel turn, of course

Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny

UNDERTAKER VS. TRIPLE H VS. HBK

WRESTLEfuckingMANIA!!121212!!@@!@!@!!!

Lord Tensai?

BROCK LESNAR’S RETURN

That’s about it. Fuck Jack TV.

 

 

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AND HERE ARE YOUR CHAMPIONS…!!!

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First thing Monday morning – I turned on the television to Jack TV’s live telecast of WWE TLC. I have to wonder why Dre would want to pass up on it. I thought the lineup was good. John Cena wasn’t on the show, which was odd because before, a lot of people – and I mean A LOT – paid good money to see him in the main events. Anyway, with that quick verity in check, I put the telly on display like I would a radio, heard the Philippines mentioned by Michael Cole, and in a span of three hours, we had our CHAMPIONS crowned.

Very likely.

1. United States Champion (Woo-nited States Champion): Zack Ryder

Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder. This match. Zack’s kewl and Dolph’s sexy. I like both guys, so I found the match rather interesting. Not to mention, the fans in Baltimore were totally hyped the entire night. I remember retweeting Zack’s “@DolphZiggler Tonight at TLC I will #fistpumpyourface” before the show began. There would have been a riot had Zack lost. So who better come out victorious but the Long Island Iced Z himself, Zack Ryder? WOO WOO WOO YOU KNOW IT BRO!!! It takes sheer hardwork and one social media revolution to make this well-deserved Crimmus miracle happen. Here’s Zack’s dad telling the whole world of how proud he is of our favorite new US champion. So are we, Papa Broski.

2. WWE Tag Team Champions: Air Boom

I did appreciate Michael Cole dictating a rundown of why Air Boom was bound to face Primo and Epico at TLC because I really have no clue how this happened. Did this all set in motion in SmackDown! (because I’m not much of a SmackDown!-guy)? I’m guessing that I just haven’t been paying much attention to the tag team division these days. We need more, please. Anyway, heard Air Boom’s great. Hooray, Kofi and Evan!

3. Divas Champion: Beth Phoenix

THAT’S RIGHT, YOU GO SISTAH! And was it just me or were Kelly Kelly fans completely dead during this match? Whatever. We all love Beth, and Beth’s fans are solid, yo. Hope she stays champion for the longest time because she’s amazing and because I wouldn’t want any of Kelly’s cohorts as champions. Eve better turn on the dark side because I like her as well, and WE JUST CAN’T HAVE HER NEXT TO KELLYasdfghjkl;

4. World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan

I really like Bryan Danielson and his massive Internet fanbase. Shame on you Michael Cole because here is your Heavyweight Champion!!!111! That’s right! And just so you know, I never paid attention to the Big Show vs. Mark Henry match until Bryan Danielson’s entrance song came up, and I found him running to the ring with his MITB briefcase. And just like that, SHOW’S OVER – even though he never really cashed in the briefcase at Wrestlemania like he said he would. But hey, plans change, it happens all the time. Hooray for Daniel Bryan and ha-ha on those who thought he could never make it as far. I smell a giant under loose for the title though.

5. Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes

What the hell. He had a match?! I’M KEPT IN THE DARK!

6. WWE Champion: CM Punk

Well la-di-da. Of course, here is your WWE Champion, CM PUNK. Best match of the night, in my opinion. I mean, he was handcuffed twice – and one of those was to a turnbuckle – and he escaped BOTH times! It was a brutal match. And Punk survived it all. And he’s STILL our WWE Champion, so ha-ha on you and your dethronement attempts, Funkman. And with this, CM Punk leads a revolution with his friends.

So what’s going to happen when you’ve got two so-called “indy schmucks” on top of the WWE food chain? Seeing the main event picture on last night’s RAW made me guffaw just a bit. On one side, we had CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Zack Ryder, and on another were Miz, Del Rio, and Dolph Ziggler. So… this is what had become of the WWE. Very nice. I have a feeling that we’re not going to see much of the Cena’s and Triple H’s and Rock’s in the season.

Kudos to independent wrestling. NYWC. ROH. GLORY. Take over.

Wrestling 101 Courtesy of CM Punk Part III

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Looks like RAW makes The Straight Edge Society extremely happy!

 

So what happens when CM Punk comes to Monday Night RAW to take part in the celebration of the show’s 900th episode? To hell with the celebration, that’s for sure! Thank goodness, he came to open our eyes to this atrociousness instilled to us by RAW superstars! The following is his illumination (take down notes).

Tonight I’ve taken it upon myself to show you, people, four of the worst most atrocious acts committed on Monday Night RAW by RAW superstars. They’re not pretty. Tonight I am RAW‘s judge, jury, and executioner, and I give you Exhibit A: Property Damage.

It’s people acting like animals
. I give you Exhibit B: Irresponsible and Reckless behavior.

It’s poor sportsmanship
. But I digress, and I give you Exhibit C: Trespassing.


And last, and certainly least of my humble opinion, I give you Exhibit D: For Dumb, Excessive Use of Alcohol Via Fire-Hose.

Let me show you just one more clip and leave on a high note. This however is a clip from a really, really good show. It’s called SmackDown!.


I could watch that clip over and over. I could watch that clip again and again. Because it represents everything I could never ever be. First of all, it represents being criminally obese. I don’t know who the other guy was but Big Show’s so big that he breaks an entire ring.

CM Punk did get interrupted (why does he always get interrupted?!) by The Big Show tried to be entertaining by imitating Hulk Hogan and looking for a high-five to Punk. And since CM Punk wouldn’t succumb to The Big Show’s sweetness (come on, Punk, the fat-joke does sound a little mean when you think about it…), Show made t a point to use that big hand of his.

Still, no matter what may happen or how big the opposition is, we still have to stick to our roots and follow CM Punk’s adage:

You want mean? What did you say – high five? There is nothing high about the Straight Edge Society. And that’s what makes us better than you.

Class dismissed.

Sherlock Sleuthing 2: Who’s the Mystery RAW GM?

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Oh wow. I feel bad about posting my BRET entry. What a shocker on RAW. It turns out that Big Vince McMahon actually fired Bret Hart because of that incident, leaving RAW GM-less. But wait. THAT JUST POINTS TO ONE THING…

Who's that Pokemon?! It must be a daredevil.

Yes, Mr. McMahon has just announced the arrival of the new general manager of RAW! There’s a catch though: the new GM is the mysterious type and appears to be hiding behind a computer screen, where he can send orders via e-mail to Michael Cole, who’ll gladly dictate them to the whole world.

So who is this guest host, you ask? I myself don’t know. But here are the top suspects on my list. Who’s your bet?

1. Stone Cold Steve Austin

Well, McMahon hired Bret Hart. It just seems likely that Stone Cold be added to this list. After all, we haven’t seen him in years, and we all know that making surprises is his forte. Just imagine the pops that he’d be receiving if he were general manager of RAW… if only it isn’t that obvious, that is…

2. The Rock

Everybody loves The Rock! And we’re all just waiting for him to schedule a visit to WWE. Maybe now is the right time. Hollywood better not object.

3. Shawn Michaels and Triple H

In order for Shawn to not get screwed by Vince (as is the case with Bret Hart), Triple H should manage RAW with him. Besides, Triple H has been gone an awfully long time, and it would be fun to see Shawn in WWE again, even if he’s just behind the control panels. It probably sounds unrealistic, but at least either one of them is a suspect.

4. JBL

Of course, who better to manage the RAW rosters other than John Bradshaw Layfield, the self-proclaimed “Wrestling God” himself? It’s very probable. I’m starting to miss that loud mouth of his.

5. Michael Cole

Well he has the laptop.

It’s going to be disappointing, I know, but Cole is the most connected guy WWE can get. Besides, he’s been acting like some big guy lately. Really annoying.

Other options include the McMahon family and all the other legends whom we haven’t heard from in recent years.

MacGruber!!!

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Now, give me proper competition.

What happens when a big volcanic cloud of ash hovers over Europe and delays all flights – including that of the RAW superstars? Well, at least SmackDown! and NXT are around. And that means… wait. Vladimir Kozlov is here?! Oh-oh, bravo! I haven’t seen him for, like, a year already. IMDB actually posted a photo of him and MacGruber trash-talking inside the ring. I was supposed to put it here but my hands got lazy. Anyway, I got really hooked watching the April 19th episode of RAW. My favorite part was when Kozlov called Jerry “The King” Lawler to read the speech he made for the New Jersey spectator. Just to make it clear, the following was read by Jerry Lawler. Every interjection is his; not Vlad’s:

“I, Vladimir Kozlov, am protesting the unfair treatment I have received by the RAW guest host. I am an elite athlete, who demands elite competition. Uh, I don’t expect any of you to understand. You are all… and these are your words, uh… you are all spoiled, ignorant Americans. You are, uh, you are physically inferior, therefore you are weak! Worst of all, you are in a state devoid of class or integrity. The single most depressing place on Earth, New Jersey. I cannot wait for my fellow Russian to buy your pathetic NBA franchise, the Nets, and move it out of this horrible state forever.”

Also, I noticed Kozlov smile at least thrice (that’s hard for him to do) – especially when King was reading his speech. MacGruber was more than happy to come out and wave the American flag right on Kozlov’s face (“Nobody rips on the state of New Jersey!”). MacGruber also insulted Vlad’s mother – a thing that led into Vladimir Kozlov uttering, “I will destroy you” under his breath, and an almost-brutal match later in that night. But that’s a different story. Here are the other great things that happened on RAW:

  • MacGruber distinguishing Kane as the “friend” who wet his pants.
  • Chris Jericho singing “JERICHO!!!” (MacGruber theme) at the top of his lungs.
  • Triple H being the only guy from RAW to have stayed in the US.
  • CM Punk and Triple H exchanging bragging rights.
  • This
  • Khaluber!!!
  • R-Truth getting pyroed.
  • Jon Bon Jovi, Paul Blart Mall Cop, Snooki AND The Situation all making it to MacGruber’s list of great, famous people from New Jersey.
  • SmackDown! rosters helping out with the show.
  • Randy Orton’s twenty-second “live-via-satellite” cameo.
  • Wade Barrett and Skip Sheffield’s embarrassing “Rock ’em, Sock ’em” match. Whoops, wrong show.

The funny thing is that, RAW was so good that night – and all the RAW superstars weren’t even around! Here’s The Miz talking about it (too bad Bret Hart wasn’t around to declare ShoMiz the Greatest Tag-Team in WWE history). We learned two things throughout this whole setting. Number one, we desperately need other SmackDown! superstars to get drafted to RAW. Number two, Chris Jericho also stars in MacGruber.

Don’t miss the WWE Draft Lottery 2010 next week.